Rebutting the Daily Gryphon

Putting the lies to rest.

3 min read

NOTE: This article is meant to make fun of The Daily Gryphon. Some things written may be exaggerated, or simply false. The Daily Gryphon is, in fact, a great publication. Read it.

You think you know the Daily Gryphon. You think it is just a place for elaborate stories about superheroes and space aliens, not to mention inside jokes and poop cartoons. Well, here at the Barefoot Times, we specialize in investigative journalism, and we have found out the truth about the DG. What we have discovered may surprise you…

While their, or should I say Aris’, humorous All School Meeting presentations may be better thought out than mine, they have got some problems. For example, they publish every week and boast about that, but they barely proofread their issues. I mean, they did not even notice that they were running the same cover every time for roughly a solid month!

In those ASM presentations, the DG’s “editor” frequently complains about not getting any sleep on Thursday nights before they go to press, but it is hard to see why–he barely has to do anything. I mean, they do not even bother to use staples! What, is he staying up until 3 AM folding pieces of paper in half? (We at the Barefoot Times fold all of our issues the day we go to press.) At first, you may think that the no-staple policy is a good thing. You might say, “I really love that The Daily Gryphon is not using staples anymore. I never stick my finger with errant ends, and what with the steel shortages, it is better for the environment!” WRONG. There is no steel shortage in the world right now. If Aris tries to prove me wrong with some biased source saying that there is a metal shortage that costs the school a few dollars for every few thousand issues of the DG, know that it would take roughly 100 copies of 50 issues each to cost the school a (barely) noticeable amount of money, which is still pocket change.

Even if there were a steel shortage, there is most definitely a bigger problem right now, in climate change. Trees (which is what paper is made out of) trap not only carbon dioxide but pollutants in their leaves and bark, which in turn makes the air cleaner. If The Daily Gryphon really cared about the environment, they would save paper. One way to achieve this is to stop reprinting the same cover with every issue. Why do they even need a cover? Reprinting the cover costs the school around $0.10 per issue, which, for every issue, costs $497 more than a staple for each issue.

You might wonder why it is called The Daily Gryphon. Well, I guess it sounded better than The Weekly Gryphon, or The Monthly Gryphon, or even The Gryphon Quarterly?!? Now that they have been publishing weekly for a while now, I have heard rumors that they might actually change the name to The Weekly Gryphon. It would be great for Sequoyah to be able to say that they have a weekly humor magazine, except for the fact that “weekly” in their case is just a euphemism for “rushed.”

One irrefutable example of this is the plethora of typos and grammatical errors in their issues. Sure, this is coming from an editor of a newspaper, who notices more grammar than most people, but Aris is also an editor. He should be proofreading their content before printing, as I do. It takes more attention to detail to have at least ten articles per issue with quality reporting that is published roughly twice a year than to have a weekly “magazine” with a cover, two pages of humor, and a fake ad on the back. I mean, The Onion, an online comedic publication, publishes multiple articles a day, does not need or have a cover, and does not count ads as content.

I realize that I am only provoking the staff of the Daily Weekly Rushed-to-Print Gryphon to write some satirical article about me for writing this, but it needed to be done. Come to think of it, an article (or a whole issue?) about me is a bonus! The Daily Gryphon boasts all of the “good” changes they have made, but no one realizes the downsides to these changes. They just laugh.