MORNING MEETING IS TRYING TO KILL US THROUGH ASPHYXIATION!!!!

Havoc breaks loose across the Sequoyah campus as Morning Meeting Committees’s secret plans are released about their killer meditation. At this moment, the committee has released no statement about this supposed plan, although many students back up the alleged information. 

When asked if Morning Meeting’s intentions are evil, Hannah Freeman ’24 replied, “yeah, 100%. There was a time when I left the morning meeting and fainted in the girls’ bathroom because I had lack of oxygen, and sometimes I feared for my life when we were sitting and breathing. I have a theory that the Morning Meeting Committee is actually a cult in the school, and I feel like they’re definitely trying their very best to create a world where people feel unsafe during meditation, and I definitely feel unsafe.”

Not only do students participating in meditation agree that they’re being asphyxiated, but Oskar Golwala ’23, chair of the Morning Meeting Committee, also corroborated The Barefoot Times’s suspicions. When asked if his intentions are evil, Golwala replied, “absolutely, we’re trying to asphyxiate every student, because the less people in Morning Meeting, the less technical difficulties we have.”

What was even more sinisterly confusing was that Golwala’s underlings in the Morning Meeting Committee disagreed about the plans. Giuseppe DiMassa ’24 replied to the question of whether the Committee is trying to trick students into asphyxiation, “no absolutely not. We’re urging you to breathe deeply. If anything, we’re trying to stop people from suffering from asphyxiation.” 

Harry Freeland ’24, a committed member of the Morning Meeting Committee, also denied all allegations of Morning Meeting’s evil plans. Freeland noted, “I think the claims are a bit outrageous, I think it’s a bit extreme, however, as a part of Morning Meeting, we respect all opinions. We try to help everybody because we’re part of the community. I think the fact that everybody thinks we’re trying to kill them is a little bit sad.” 

After Golwala’s confession, several teachers were interviewed about their opinion. Science teacher Kate Schafer and Spanish teacher Paula Thomas both rejected the theory. Schafer declared, “do I believe that someone’s trying to kill us?.. No, I do not!” Thomas agreed. 

Ben Ede, the high school music teacher and expert Magic: the Gathering player stated, in response to the accusations, “It could be possible. The problem is, it’s a question of intent. We have to know who the archetypes of Morning Meeting meditation practices are, and up until now,  I don’t think we can say for certain whose ideas govern the way we do it.” After being told of Golwala’s evil intent, Ede continued, “I would have never imagined that they would confess so readily,but that does seem sinister.” When asked whether he feels safe, Ede said, “having known Oskar for several years, no.”

Although there is hard evidence against the Morning Meeting Committee, some people r are in severe denial about the threat the committee poses to the Sequoyah community. “If you can’t breathe, just breathe,” said Leah Haveson ’23.
We are begging all students of Sequoyah’s high school to please be on the lookout for more information regarding these allegations; in the meantime, The Barefoot Times encourages everyone to stay safe during Morning Meeting meditation.