An Apology to the Humanities Department for Spreading False Information

Towards the end of January, an article was published voicing concerns about the size of the Humanities Department and its intent. I, Sofie Wilson, penned that article and am now retracting any and all statements regarding the department’s involvement in anything nefarious.

Hannah Karmin, a representative of the department, graciously came and spoke to me. Karmin is a charming human being who has been alive a normal amount of time for a human being like herself. She said in an entirely unsuspicious manner that “the fears of the student body are completely unfounded,” and repeated the department head’s previous statement that “The Humanities Department has no plans to take over the school.”

“The documents found in Calina’s bag were falsified by someone, presumably Simon themself, and they have been reprimanded accordingly.” If Karmin’s statement does not dispel any and all worry, The Barefoot Times wishes to reassure all students that Simon Listiak ’23, who found the false “evidence,” is perfectly alive and well. We have included a photo of them to prove it.

I, the actual real Sofie Wilson who is definitely writing this, acknowledge my part in this dishonesty and wish to impress upon you that my previous article on the topic was complete balderdash.
So on behalf of myself, Sofie Wilson, Simon Listiak, and the rest of The Barefoot Times team, we apologize for any prevarication spread about the Humanities department. If you see its members congregating in any ceremonial or ritualistic manner, you are wrong.